and buying a used car from a person with CASH. That will entail bargaining (which I suck at!) and restraint of impulse (new stuff there too) and really really paying attention to details. I have narrowed the search to toyota camry, or celica, or possibly honda accord. Coupes not sedan, I have carted kids around for 22 years, this is gonna be a car for ME! I am excited and scared. I am just looking for tips from y’all. I am going to pull the carfax, and really kick the tires. And try to negotiate. Any other suggestions?
and shared custody and expenses with my ex. I went off the financial rails when he became disturbed
and I had to take full custody. He stopped paying anything, I had my daughter full time, and I had to get a lawyer who worked on strictly
cash. I blew through what had been a decent emergency fund, borrowed a little, started using a credit card to fill the gaps, and dug myself
into a hole. I was doing a “budget” in Excel and telling myself everything was OK. The shocker came when I had to fill out the state’s
financial forms, and could NOT make them balance. They showed me spending a lot more than I was making. And as I dug in, my spreadsheet
stopped looking so cheery. The forms were right. I was bleeding money. The first step for me was – not even doing a budget – just tracking my spending in Quicken, and labeling it according to the categories on those state forms. For the first few months “CASH-UNKNOWN” was a big category. I had to track my spending for several months before I had a real picture of where it was all going.
Don’t worry about the car for right now, you need to get your big picture in focus. You’re an accountant, you know *what* you need to
do. DR talks about the “four walls”. Budget for food, water, mortgage, transportation and utilities. Then you make the plan for tackling
everything else, and start tweaking.
And don’t forget to breathe! You have your family, your health, your job, you’ll get through this.
(if not all) of us started off in much the same condition as you’re in now. If you’ve been lurking for awhile, you’ll know that we come from a variety of circumstances but “dead broke and scared stiff” is a very common starting point. That’s certainly where we were when we first got started. Slightly different bills, slightly different work/home/personal situations, but we ended up deep in the hole all the same.
Second, I would encourage you to consider that you’ve already taken a HUGE first step, by posting the circumstances of your situation. It was only about this time last year that I started opening statements again, and you may or may not have seen that we only recently (November!) came clean with the IRS for two years’ worth of back taxes. We all have various weights around our proverbial necks, so you’re in good company. The question isn’t what size weight that is dragging us down. The question is what option(s) do we have to get rid of it? That’s where a lot of folks on the list will have a lot of different suggestions. Some of which maybe you won’t want to hear, but some of which may be easier than you expect. And a lot in between.
So, I would hazard a guss (taking a cue from other help-me intro emails I’ve seen in the past) that the next step would be to see some more specifics on your financial situation, on a monthly basis:
costs for your Four Walls of basic life (Housing (including utilities), Transportation, Food, Clothing)
additional gotta-pay expenses
and yes, your “not-dealing-with-them-but-know-they’re-out-there” debts.
Be as exact as you can be, but estimate if you have to, and let’s start with looking through the budget to see what can be done and how. You’ve taken a big step, and that took courage. When you’re ready, I encourage you to take another big step and post the above info, so we can help you start to sort things out. Hang in there. You’re not alone in this.
yea it’s that bad.. But I think it’s about $10K – $12k somewhere in that vicinity.. just in cc debt.. different dept stores.. yada yada..
Most of the comments I read here seems to be of someone in the midwest.. Hello anyone on the east coast who could relate??
Own a coop. Cause it’s just better to own something than to pay some ridiculous rent to someone and then not own it down the line.
So yea.. I have a Mortgage and a maintenance fee which includes heat but not electricity. Oh and I have to have coop insurance.. i think the bill just came in for that..
Have decent job. Accounting field. $55K annually. No raise in 4 years.
I commute to work.. taking a bus and 2 trains to get into the city. Takes about 50 minutes. Same going back home. I stopped buying breakfast and lunch. Whatever leftovers i have is what i take to work. They day i don’t bring something = no lunch.
Office offers coffee, tea, soda, milk daily.. bagels on Friday’s. I don’t come to the office on Fridays so don’t care about that.
Am able to work 2 days of the week at home.. could probably do more.. but i don’t rock the boat unless i really need to.
Don’t have to pay for afterschool care for the 2 younger ones as the father picks them up. It’s the least he can do. I drop the 2 off at school. The older one is in HS so gets free metrocard from school. He takes 2 buses to get there.
I’m the one who provides health insurance for the boys and myself.
Ex does pay child support but not enough in my eyes.. but isn’t that always the case.. seriously he should be paying more. So company changed health insurance plans this year.. somehow it worked to my benefit cause the monthly rater is now lower by about $50.. but then that got taken away with the new sociail security tax increase and i also reduced my 401 retirement contribution from 6% to 3%. Company used to match the 6% about 5 years ago so that’s why i had it at that rate. but i need more money in pay 2x a month paycheck. So with all the changes i only get about $2.50 more a paycheck. Really??
Yes I have a car payment.
Totalled my paid for Toyota Corolla 2004 about 2 years ago in an accident..God was so with me that day.. it’s a miracle i walked away with bruises. I was by myself driving to Virginia to attend my first marine corp ball with BF. I so did not want to drive back home.. was terrified but i had no choice. So took the money and bought myself a Toyota Highlander 2008, but now i have a car payment that i didn’t before. ugg.. yea yea.. i know you guys give up the “nice car” and trade it in for a hoopty (something that sounds like that) for a cheaper car.. but i can’t bring myself to do that. Depend on the car alot for everything. take the boys to school. attend PTA meetings.
So going back to bills.. yea.. i get statements which i don’t open. What’s the point if i can’t pay them. I used to. Just the minimum but then you get the i just have to have item, after item, after item. Things add up. Bill Collectors are calling. At work, cell, job. I don’t answer calls i do not recognize the number from or if the caller ID at home says Unavailable. Also I think one of the collectors is offering some deal.. you know.. we will work with you.. and pay x instead of z. one might be in the hands of some esq firm .. just took a glance and closed the envelope.. so can’t say for sure..
Can you tell i’m in denial. Ugg..
I don’t have any medical bills or student payment loans to worry about. Blessings i guess. I have my health. Kids are good. They have the basics of what they need and what I can provide. Of course they like fastfood mostly McD’s so.. that is no longer a 2x a week thing anymore. They are lucky if they get it 2x a month now. And only on Tuesday’s cause my local Mc’ds offers Tuesday specials of $1.99 for a happy meal. So i can deal with that.
I don’t buy anything (basics) without a coupon, this includes food, clothing, shoes. I’m attempting for the first time to go food shopping every other week. This is my off week. So if I have to get something it will be milk and bread maybe fruit..but that’s it. I sort of been stockpiling.. so I will only use what I have at home to make meals from.
Not sure what other info I should be giving u guys.
So i’m basically at point zero.
Where do I even begin to get my financial health in order is the ultimate question for you all.
Scared to click send..
Son is completely independent living across town. I pay for his health ins and his gym membership. Daughter lives at home, but now pays for her own car insurance and her part of our cell phone bill. so I provide food, shelter and medical, and other incidentals. She works full time and goes to school. I cut off the satelite and we both just watch netflix or whatever we want on the internet. Most shows I like can be seen on the networks website. I have my big flat screen tv attached to my desk top computer so its really all I need.
I have tried to put them both on a budget and start a savings acct. They aren’t ready for that yet. BUT neither have credit cards and daughter has taken out no student loans, is going to tech college and is getting by on the grants alone. so that’s a lot better than drowning in debt @ 21 years of age.
Attitude of gratitude!
Its been one year since i joined this group, and i want all the lurkers and the hesitant folks on here to hear what one year on Dave Ramsey can do if you apply it to the best of you ability.
I say “best of my ability” because it hasn’t been a perfect adherence at all times. Like a drug, use of credit was a way of life. And like a drug, it had turned on me.
At this time last year i would be driving down the road, and be so stressed, and so depressed, and had such a feeling of hopelessness, that I would look at power polls as a possible solution. Meaning, if i “accidentally” hit one dodging a deer, my kids would get my life insurance and be ok. REALLY, it was that bad. I had less than 20 every two weeks for gas and food left over after paying the bills. I would have such anxiety attacks when paying the bills that i felt like i was having a heart attack. I went to my Dr. and she upped my dose of antidepressants. I have been on them for longer than i can remember, atleast 20 years. I was a single parent, getting no child support, and i made 6.75 an hour when my kids were little and this started. I did what i had to do to survive. My kids didn’t go without, but it came with a very heavy stress load on me. 2 sometimes 3 jobs, going to school and working full time.
I hit bottom last year, and realized if i didnt’ change my life, i wouldn’t be in it very long. But i had no idea what to do! No family to help, no one i knew to ask for advice, because they were all up to their eyeballs in debt too, but they had husbands or wives to help. I was alone, and scared.
I work in a hospital and they offered Dave Ramsey two years ago as a benefit. I had no idea what it was, but it HAD to be better than what i was doing! I asked HR if they were gonna do it again, and they said yes, in the spring. I didn’t HAVE that much time left, i needed help NOW! So I looked up in yahoo groups and wala there you guys were! I joined and read every post. I did a very honest budget, (including the medical bills that i usually never even bothered to OPEN let alone PAY!) I got on my knees and asked for help and guidance, and i applied the Baby Steps to the best of my ability. it wasn’t a perfect DR path, but it was definantly in the right direction. And now, a year later…
I havent had to be on anti-depressants in over 7 months, when i get paid i still have money in the bank. I have a plan, and its getting better, not worse. I am about to pay cash for a car, and am working on baby step 3! I have peace and serenity in my life, I am not having panic attacks on payday because i am already broke before i leave work. I am able to look at prospective life partners as equals not rescuers. I never even realized i was doing that before .
I dont talk alot on here, i have a feeling that there are alot of lurkers out there, and any that are on the fence, i just wanted to share the ‘miracle’ that DR is. It literally saved my life. I am truly and utterly grateful for each and every one of you.
and I are essentially out of work at the moment… today I interviewed with a company that basically offered me what I am currently making ($2k plus what I currently make) while at the same time I am completing a job application with another big defense contractor where I will get a $15K raise.
I totally get your relief as I realized today I have been metaphorically holding my breath for four months as I worked my way through this process: losing one job, trying to find another, etc.
Most of my coworkers who have also been offered jobs are looking at $8-28K pay cuts. The other company that supports our current client took it in the shorts — they are experiencing offers at %40 their current salaries… so congrats to your DH for securing a job and you will find a way to budget the gas and make it work.
Keep us posted on your progess. It’s always nice to see folks check back in after they’ve checked out for a bit (and yes, I include myself in that lot). 🙂
for the past couple of years. I know you were really trying to do the program until your husband’s injury. It appears there’s truly a light at the end of the tunnel for the two of you. I’m happy to hear he has a new job on the horizon. I’m sorry it’s for less money, but the fact that he has employment, is wonderful. I’m happy to hear you’re excited about your future. It sounds as if this will be a wonderful turn around for you and your husband. Keep us posted, and warm wishes sent to your husband for a continued recovery.
its been happening since 2008 when we took FPU.
Recently, I gave up again because my husband has been having multiple surgeries to try and fix an issue that doesn’t want to be fixed. We have a $5,000/person out-of-pocket max per year (which has been piling up) and I’ve had a couple medical tests done with another that needs to be done but we just can’t afford it. The medical bills are over $13,000 and rising and that is *with* insurance.
My husband is an hourly paid electrician and his job has been tanking, but since he needed so much time off for the surgeries (and the insurance!!) he stayed way longer than he should have. We finally started eating into our $1,000.00 BEF for monthly bills. I lost my job when I had to take a week off every 4 weeks to take care of him after surgeries. This week, we had to pay his job because he had zero hours, and we still have to pay child support (its deducted from his check) and insurance costs. It just kept getting worse and worse.
My husband had surgery #10 (in the past 2.5 years) 3 weeks ago and “so far so good!” We ended up meeting the doctor who trained the doctor we *were* using, and this doctor happens to be a specialist in this area! We had one follow up appointment so far and he said everything is progressing like it should. This is the best f/u appointment we have ever had, so we are cautiously optimistic.
My husband also starts a NEW JOB on the 4th of February!!! It is $5.00/hour LESS THAN he is making now and he (obviously) will lose the current company truck, meaning we will have to buy gas again, but it is a guaranteed 40 hour per week job with paid vacation and 11 paid holidays! The gas scares me because we don’t have a budget for gas for the 100 mile/day trip, but its a step in the right direction.
If everything keeps going well, I can go back to working and we may be able to *finally* get a grasp on BS#2!
This is the most happy I’ve been in 2 years and I just wanted to share my good news since I have been sharing all my bad over the past couple of years. Thanks for listening!
the best answer is almost always “I’m looking for total compensation in the range of..
The logic is:
1. lowest point. the absolute minimum you will take for this position. (IMO Eldred, I would make this about $5k less than what market is in the area–you want that job!)
2. highest point: salary plus if I had to pay health insurance, toll fees, travel to client sites all out of my own pocket, and in general want a raise, what’s the amount I would need to have and would be thrilled to have.
As someone else mentioned, there is always a pay scale range for any non-hourly corporate position. When you phrase it like the above, (a) it doesn’t come across like you are talking straight salary (for example, I once gave a range and the company countered with a lower annual salary but a $10k signing/moving bonus) (b) the interview is thinking “I can (or not) afford that.” By giving them a range, you provide them with some leeway.
dropping h’s and o’s as it goes I had not expected a sudden slow down to a complete halt on Friday, but it happened. It would not even shut down so I could re-boot. After 45 minutes I shut it off manually and told dh “fix it.”
He worked on it defragging, compressing and such the best he could, but it was moving so slow nothing was getting done easily. He scanned for viruses, looked for Trojans all to no avail. Then he noticed a program that was using 57% of my cpu. Apple mobile media player. A program not for my computer, but for doing downloads to my ipod. An ipod I had not used in over a year. He turned off the program and everything sped up almost to new computer speed. So he re-booted the computer to finish the clean-up. The program re-started itself.
So he turned it off again, and went to the website. What he found was a string of complaints about this zombie program. It seems it “updates” automatically and starts up on its own as well. There had just been an automatic upgrade—even though I had manually told it to NOT upgrade and it was taking control of all media on my computer, as well as the computers all across the world.
Right now the program is still on my computer because I still have a $13 credit with itunes from a free gift card I received. The guys are going to use it up this week. In the meantime I have to manually turn off the program every time I boot up the computer.
So if your computer is running slowly go to your task manager and click the services tab. Look down your list for apple mobile media. If it says automatic and running click the services button on the bottom right of the screen then click the running on the screen that pops up and change it to stop. Your computer should speed up tremendously.
The draw for me when interacting with companies on Twitter, is the immediate feedback I get from them. I tweet something to them and I get an answer.This is probably because anyone who is following them can pull up tweets to them/about them and they want to maintain a pristine reputation.
I also like Twitter contests, prizes, giveaways some have on special days.
However, I am already paying for a website. (Etsy has fees too.) Just trying to get merchandise loaded to my site with pics and info is going to take plenty of time. I am not saying I won’t use those sites but I can only do so much in a day. My goal this week is to get as much as possible uploaded to my site. I have a few things on Pinterest but only a handful of things. It is just posted though, not with the $.
Thankfully the medications are working well and dh’s pain is down to a manageable dull ache. He used two vacation days this week for going to the doctor on Monday, and then when he was hurting too much to even get dressed in business attire on Thursday.
As there always is with such situations we had added expenses above the normal tight budget. In “the good old days” We would have handed over a credit card for the co-pay at the doctor’s office and pharmacy. Instead I paid cash out (bad credit payday loans guaranteed approval) of the grocery money for it. Choosing to save our medical sinking fund cash for when the rest of the bills arrive.
On Friday my computer completely locked up and wouldn’t revive until dh worked on it for a very long time. I’ll post what was wrong with it in another post—it has to do with a program many of us have on our machines and may not even know it.
The repair lasted through Saturday and once he figured out what was actually wrong with it we discussed the fact that all my home row keys no longer have the letters and symbols on them, because I’ve worn them off. Not a problem for me because I am a touch typist. However, it does affect Mr. Hunt and peck when he is working on my computer.
Then there is the fact that my battery on the computer will no longer hold a charge at all. Again not a problem to me. I just plug it in.
Add to it the fact the h and o only work when they are in the mood to (try typing this line without an h or o.) That is a minor inconvenience. Add all that together and dh said he thought it was time we started a sinking fund to replace my laptop. In “the good old days” we would have taken the bonus coupon we got that day in the mail from reward zone and used it per its terms and conditions with the BB cc to purchase both of us a new laptop (his died over a year ago and he’s been using my old one—until it suffered permanent death, then ds’ old one they have rebuilt twice and now ds’ hand me down—slowly dying tablet.) Doing so on a same as cash “deal.” Of course we would have gone and done other shopping and of course eaten out
When I am stressed I want to eat out, that is one of my coping mechanisms. Some people shop, some people stress eat. Me I pay to eat. LOL. In “the good old days” we would have eaten out for lunch and dinner on Monday at a sit down restaurant and put it on a charge card. Instead we ate lunch at home and ds, who knows me so well, fed us a cheap fast food meal with cash for dinner. We didn’t even consider a meal out the rest of the week.
Instead we discussed the blog I had written (link below) on how dangerous same as cash deals and charge cards are. Then on Sunday dh started adding programs to the Frankenstein desktop he and ds built for office use only. I’ll start doing all my blog posts from there until after we are free of our consumer debt. (counting the days down). Then we will start a sinking fund for computer replacement. Creating “good new days,.”
We are continuing to eat out of food storage (4 weeks now) instead of grocery shopping or eating out. In fact today I’m trying a new to us recipe that we saw on “Pioneer Woman” this weekend. –in my last cottage cheese purchase is still good. Only where she used all fresh ingredients I’ll be using home canned (or freeze dried) ground beef mixed with a little tvp, dehydrated sour cream, dehydrated tomatoes, dried homemade egg noodles, with the rest of the ingredients from my pitiful garden. We’ll see how it goes.
One of the mystery shopping companies I work for has gone over to paying their shoppers with a pre-paid credit card. I am NOT amused. The pages of legal gibberish are numerous. I will be working less and less for them, actually probably not at all, as a result. Basically the only way you can get your money is to use the card for exactly the amount on it at certain locations, because if you leave your money on it for too long, there is a fee. If you spend it and you accidentally even attempt to use it to pay for partial payment on say groceries and the system tries to run it through for the full amount it will do it for the full amount and then charge you a fee for being over line and on and on.
I had to agree to be paid this way to get the money for the most recent shop I did. No agreement. No payment. So I agreed to accept the card and now will probably not work for them again—off course there is an account cancellation fee if I don’t do it a certain way too. So my plan is to take the stupid card to Wal-Mart and purchase a gift card for the exact amount on the pre-paid card and use that to buy fuel at a discount. Then simply not shop for that company again. I’ll cancel the pre-paid card the no fee way. I hate that they have gone to this method of payment, it was my favorite company to work for.
Of course I will let the company know why I am quitting. Maybe they will re-think this decision if enough of us protest. I know the one company that insisted I get an ein changed their rules on that when enough of us “quit”. While their page still says you must have one to work for them, those of us who have been working a long time for them don’t have to.
On Friday I did a “new car shop” for $32.
I only got to put $5 extra on BB this last week, but it’s $5 that will save much more than that it the long run considering BB compounds their interest daily. It will “snow” big flakes on this account Friday. One of the many ways we are creating the “good new days”.
We released McNugget, this year’s only gosling, into the main flock this weekend and so far he is staying with elders. Poor little guy, because of the rough start he had he is angel winged on one side (for you non bird folks that means his wing sticks out from his body instead of folding up normally). Otherwise he is healthy. He also thinks he rules the world.
Ds and I got a good laugh out of Jolie, our Aussie Collie mix dog, and McNugget on Saturday. It was “bedtime” and Jolie was doing her job herding the birds to the night pen when McNugget decided he not only wasn’t going, but that he was going to charge and challenge Jolie. The look on the dog’s face was priceless. She looked at the pint sized tyrant and then looked at me as if to say “Did you see that brat? What should I do?”
I told her to take care of it and put him up. So she gave him first her little bark that says “Move it!” to the older birds, which they did. McNugget challenged her again. She did her sharper “NOW” bark, and he challenged her again. The entire flock froze. No one challenges Jolie, she is alpa, and they all know it. She will put her cold nose on their hind quarters and push a bad bird if necessary. The last noise Jo made was a throaty “I said NOW!” growl.
At that point, Mama Serenity, Daddy Frodo and all five older siblings rushed to the naughty gosling and literally drug him by his new feathers toward the night pen. They’ve seen an angry Jolie go after predators and they knew he had tried her patience to the max. I knew the gosling was safe—In the 15 years we’ve had birds Jolie has never hurt a single one. She does take her job seriously though. You will obey her when she says go to bed, or you will be rolled like a soccer ball all the way there. Jolie doesn’t get her dinner until everyone is put up and Jolie likes her dinner.
We heard the elders of the flock scolding the youngster for quite awhile after they were in the pen. Sunday he was a much better behaved little bird. He definitely headed straight for the pen the minute ds said “Bedtime.” To the flock—did I mention geese are smart and train their young?
It has been up and running but I need to add more products to it. I added three products last evening—all trivets. I will add some more today.
I have pics of my products saved on my computer and I accidentally got fumble fingers the other day and many of my items got renamed to the same stock number. Arrrggghhh. I had to go back and change each one individually to the correct number yesterday.
I also ordered more business cards today. I am expecting a proof by email in the next 24 hours.
I need to work on getting some of my pictures of my products mounted on index cards with descriptions.
Do any of you know places online a crafter/home business person can go to promote home businesses like mine where I have a website that takes orders? I already have a facebook page.
So here are my goals for this week:
1) Get all products listed on website
2) Get pictures mounted and descriptions written
3) Promote business online and face to face
I don’t know if you remember—but we used to live on 10 acres—so seeing all your acreage and meeting you in person would be a lovely experience—-no matter where I slept…
Although, right now–it is slaying Sallie Mae time and unfortunately making her go away is taking me much longer than it took to go to college…ugh.
Sallie Mae is the only thing keeping me from yelling that debt free scream.
And ever since we moved out of our mortgaged 10 acres into our paid for cash fixer upper—I have been seriously wanting to be done with debt totally!
Plus—I am in line to be done somewhere around the time you and Eldred get done……
Here’s waiting for our someday soon (Cinderella reference…lol…..I like Disney as much as you.)
how do you feel about sleeping in an office or an unairconditioned camper? (currently 91 degrees here). Office doesn’t have a bed in it, but maybe we could blow up the air bed. Despite the size of this ouse it’s only 3 bedrooms, but I have housed 30 people for 3 weeks once due to a family emergency. We used the roll-a-way bed, day bed and a whole lot of air beds.
With no further forms of medical excitement? He didn’t have any more episodes and you didn’t thrash him too badly? That was sure scary yesterday. Tell him not to pull any more stunts like that. If he wants to create excitement, tell him to go find a bunch of buried money in the yard. Then we can have all sorts of fun talking about how best to use it. But no more of this medical stuff. We’re just going to have to put our collective foot down on this one.
Before I typed that out I didn’t feel too old at all! LOL ….. NOW, I feel pretty old. I have never been invited to any high school reunions. No surprise. I tried helping with the 10 year and it was just going to be a typical byob party. Nothing else was planned for the weekend … no family stuff, no picnic, etc. I am not in that type of party so I dropped out. Never looked back and never heard from them again. :-s
Cindy, who thinks high school reunions are way overrated and is now heading to update my own little part the cyber universe at …..
But I did want to say I was sorry to read about McNugget yesterday. That’s always such a bummer. Can’t claim we’ve had bobcats here, but we’ve had other predators and/or disappearances like that. Never a good day.
Had to chuckle though at your feeling old at the 45th reunion. I’m “celebrating” my 30th this year, and so far I’ve not heard a peep about any formal events. Which is partly ok and partly disappointing. Don’t really have time or enthusiasm for it right now anyway. But yea, been feeling more mortal than usual the last few days and getting an email like that probably would not have helped. Here’s to being around a good while longer, regardless of whatever year we all graduated.
It’s so hard to see our kids take the long, bumpy road towards adulthood. I’m so thankful that your dd isn’t on any substances – that’s great. Glad she’s with you right now. I’m hoping and praying that once this precious baby comes, that she will open her eyes and realize that she needs to make sure that her baby has all that she needs etc. It does sound like she may be getting on the right track.
But you never know what others think. Hopefully, they won’t see her as a novelty and do right by her. time will tell.
My late sister’s ex treated the kids from his first and second marriage as afterthoughts. When she passed, he was “forced” to take care of the 2 younger kids and withheld all visitation for us. He stopped all contact with the older kids. 12 years later, he has established a bond with the older kids and forced them to make a choice–us or him. Sad for everyone.
I’m good, told you it was a girl a LOOOOONG time ago.
I’m a bit relieved she is home with you. I think she has wanted to be with you and not him for awhile, but her 19 year old pride hasn’t let her before now—gee wonder where she got her stubbornness.
I’m also relieved you are giving her the opportunity of choices. Things will be far better if she has a clear set of rules, but you still give her the opportunity to spread her wings. It’s a good thing. Hang in there. Now remember, no free ride, she CAN push a vacuum sweeper both there at home and at the office.
a resume if it’s in the field she’s interested in. It’s a great way to show she can be reliable and to develop/show a good work ethic. Another thing she could do with her doctor”s okay is exercise (maybe a prenatal class). This will also make her feel better, emotionally and physically.
You’ve had a lot on your plate lately! First of all, I’m very relieved to hear she’s not on drugs. How and why she took departure from her good senses is apparently still up in the air, but at least it wasn’t chemically induced. Second, I can sure understand you wanting her to move in with you, and frankly I think the fact that Father is still walking around without broken limbs is a testament to your patience and restraint. I think my folks would have killed him dead, had they found me in that situation. I don’t have much in the way of advice for you other than to say that you’re acting out of love for her and concern for her child, and that’s probably the best motivation you can have right now. I’ll keep you and your little growing family in my prayers…
I do think that is the best place right now. I’m glad that you set up some ground rules about the boyfriend, she may not agree, but I think they do need to see if it a healthy relationship.
Is the car in her name only? If it isn’t and you or your ex are on it, I would insist that he not drive it. Not sure of his driving record–that can be easily obtained through public record. If his record isn’t good, the insurance co could refuse to pay if he gets into an accident.
Could she do parenting classes, CPR, college online or even volunteer work? Then she wouldn’t be sitting around doing nothing and she would be learning or helping out.
Interesting about his family. Perhaps they think you will withhold all visitation with the family if they don’t show support–I’ve seen this happen many times.
He has been very respectful to me and for that I am appreciative. He does seem nice, but I think that comes from a general respect of his elders. I don’t know how to instill work ethic in either of them, but I do feel as a job for both of them would be the turning point in terms of taking care of those things which need to be taken care of. I am timeline driven so we’ve discussed how they can get back on their feet, January 1. I’m also pushing for her to re-enroll in school for at least the fall semester, she can very well get one more semester in prior to the birth. He has not even a high school diploma so I’m working with him to attain his GED.
I’m working with both of them -she tells him everything I say in terms of stressing that this is where the rubber meets the road, the time for them to step up because a little one is depending on them to be her everything. Mighty big shoes to fill, but fill them they must. I’m also nowhere clouded and I have the firm belief that a lot of relationships just don’t last anymore. I implored my daughter to think about those couples she might know who have been married for long periods of time. Then think of those who she now knows to be single parents and the tremendous responsibility that single parent must bear. Just being realistic that a relationship started at 19/21 stands a very small shot of lasting 18 years. I also told her to look at the relationship her father and I have concerning her. We’ve given to her the best we could in terms of roots and presenting a united front in spite of our divorce and I would hope that she maintains a wonderful relationship with the boy for the sake of her baby.